Is His Addiction to Porn My Fault

Is his Addiction to Porn my Fault? I used to think it was. Could I have prevented his use of porn? Here is the list of things that went through my head the first time I discovered sites he had looked at on our home laptop: I must not be enough :( If I dressed sexier, he wouldn’t need to look at this. If I were skinnier, he would be more attracted to me. I did crash diets to try to lose weight. Crazy exercise regiments. If I didn’t nag him so much, he wouldn’t need the escape. If I were more open to exploring new things with our sex life, he would be more fulfilled and would not seek this stuff out. Over the past 12 years I have blamed myself every time I found sites he had visited, videos he had watched or messages he had sent to other women. I would think to myself, If I hadn’t turned down his advances and gone to bed with a headache this wouldn’t have happened. But the truth is it would have happened, and it did. Looking back, there were many nights where we were sexually intimate, and he would still get up in the middle of the night to binge on porn. I know this because I would get up tip toe to the living room or office and see him on the computer scrolling through pictures or worse. I always told myself I would confront him, but it took years for me to get the courage to do so. The truth is his addiction started way before he even met me. He was only 10 years old when he was first exposed to porn and it quickly became his coping mechanism for when he felt sad, angry, alone, bored, worried, anxious, or overwhelmed. Having the support of other women (through Captives Free Online Spouse Group) that are going through the same struggles with their husband’s addiction has helped me see and process that his addiction to porn was never my fault and your husband’s addiction to porn isn’t your fault either. Throughout this journey I have received lots of bad advice/ bad counsel that fed into me believing that his addiction was somehow my fault. Captives Free Online Spouse Group is a safe place to bare your heart and your struggles with other women who truly understand what you are going through whether it be emotionally, physically, mentally, or spiritually. This journey is hard, and it can make you question your worth but... You are enough. You are beautiful. You are strong. You Are More Than Enough! Believe it! JW

What does it feel like to be betrayed by your spouse

It feels like the air being squeezed out of your lungs. It feels like a kick to the gut. It feels like your heart shattered. It feels like everything around you is spinning. It feels like no one in your life is safe. That everyone will betray you. It feels like you’ve lost your best friend and the love of your life. It feels like darkness is trying to swallow you. It feels like evil is winning. It feels like everything you ever believed is a lie. It feels like nothing will ever be right again. It feels like hope is far away. It feels like you are all alone. It feels like promises will never mean anything again. It feels like trust can’t be rebuilt. It feels like forgiveness is foolish. It feels like you will never be enough. It feels like you are to blame. It feels like you were a fool to trust. It feels like you were dumb for not seeing the red flags before. It feels like you can’t tell the difference between real and pretend. It feels like you can’t trust your gut. It feels like you’re crazy. It feels like the rest of the world goes on while you sit curled in a ball. It feels like your emotions are on a rollercoaster ride. It feels like you can’t tell anyone for fear of being judged. It feels like everything is a lie. It feels lonely. It feels dark. It feels hard. It feels endless. It feels like your heart will never be whole again. It feels like the storm will never stop. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It feels like it’s not the end, It feels like this could be the beginning of a real authentic relationship without lies and secrets. It feels like maybe he is just now learning boundaries and love for himself. It feels like growth is happening. It feels like he knows how badly he hurt me. It feels like I will be ok, regardless of whether we are ok. It feels like I am stronger than I thought I was. It feels like God has never left me and is revealing himself to me in new ways. It feels like truth will come into the light. It feels like chains of addiction will break. It feels like my heart can heal. It feels like this storm will pass. It feels like I’m not alone. I have met some amazing ladies that I can be authentic with and who know exactly how I feel. It feels like hope is rising. It feels like I can trust myself. It feels like healthy boundaries are healing my heart and helping me to really get to know myself. It feels like I am worthy of respect. It feels like it is more than ok to expect healthy love. It feels like this is not the end. It feels like we might be smack dab in the messy middle, but it also feels like we are on a journey to complete and lasting healing. JW

Beauty.. Who defined it for you?

Beauty… Who defined it for you? So much of my life I have spent trying to look a certain way or reach a certain number on the scale. Somewhere in my young adult life I was given the impression that it was a wife’s job, her obligation to make sure she kept herself looking good for her husband to keep him interested. I was never given the impression that this went both ways. Nothing was ever said about a husband keeping himself attractive for his wife. In fact, it was more, “You are married. You can let yourself go now.” Talk about a double standard! I can’t even tell you how many crash diets I have been on over the years. Or how many different diet pills I have tried so that I could either maintain my weight or lose weight. I still feel pressure when it comes to how much I weigh or what I look like. I keep asking myself, “Where did this pressure come from? Where did I get my idea of what beauty is?” Sadly, I got it from images that use to scroll across my Dad’s computer screen as his screen saver. He called it “Art”. But really it was half naked women posed in a seductive way. In my 15-year-old mind, I thought this is what I have to look like in order to be considered beautiful. This is what every man considers beautiful. Fast forward to dating and I was fed the same messages. I remember one blind date I went on where the guy actually asked me how much I weighed, and I was wearing a winter coat, so he made sure to take his hands to see how much fat I had around my waist. He seemed pleased with what he discovered; I was mortified and disgusted. Needless to say, that date didn’t last long. Fast forward to meeting my husband. I remember the first time I went over to his Dad’s house. I went to the bathroom which was right across the hall from his open bedroom door. Anyone who walked by could clearly see his Dad had pictures of women hanging on his wall and so did my husband. So, you can see why I thought this was just a thing that men did. They “admired” the female body by putting it on display. One thing that stuck out to me was that all these pictures were of women who were thin & beautiful. I felt like I didn’t measure up because I didn’t look like them. (I wasn’t air brushed!) I didn’t know to expect more from men. I was given the impression from a young age that this was typical male behavior and almost like a rite of passage. Since joining Captives Free I have discovered that my experience is not rare. Many women have felt the same pressure to keep up their appearance in order to keep their husband’s attention. Many have felt the gut punch from feeling like they don’t measure up to the picture on the screen. I know that my worth is not defined by what I look like. I now know that it is more than reasonable to expect more from men. That which I experienced may be typical male behavior, but that doesn’t make it right. It is an excuse for men to continue to objectify women. I have heard it said many times, that men are visual. But I ask, “Where does it say that in the Bible?” Did God really design just men that way? Or Is this a result of a fallen world? I believe God designed men and women to be visual. But why? I think He designed us this way so that we would notice the beauty in His creation, not so that we would lust or objectify each other. Psalm 139:13-16…I will praise God today, remembering that He is my Maker. I have been fearfully and wonderfully made. I will not compare myself to others, for I am unique in His eyes. When He made my frame in the secret place, He delighted in me. His eyes saw my unformed body. I will not be anxious of my situation, because all the days ordained for me were written in His book before I even came to be. He created my inmost being and knit me together in my mother's womb, I will glorify Him with my life.

one Step Closer

For as long as I can remember I have only had one Big dream, One thing that I have wanted to do with my life. And that is sing. When I first started singing I wanted to be a famous pop singer then I wanted to be a country singer. But now and for last 10 years it has been my dream to sing songs that lift people up and draw them closer to God. It is a big dream of mine to travel around to different churches and sing and share my testimony of what God has done in my life.
Boy has he seen me through some difficult times and that is putting it mildly. one thing I am sure of is that God does not waste a wound. He can and will use every painful situation for good.

I am very excited that I will be recording a Cd very soon. It will be filled with a lot of songs that I have sang in church, including two that I wrote with my friend Glen. My prayer is that this Cd will bless all who hear it in some way. The songs that I am going to record are very close to my heart and have helped me through some hard times.

So after the Cd is done, what happens next? Will I be this huge overnight star? Seriously doubt it! LOL!! Will I travel around like I have dreamed of doing for years? Who knows... only God knows that. I am not sure if that is plan for my life. But one thing I do know is that He wants me to Sing! And that's what i'm gonna do. :)

My weight loss Journey

Seems like I am always on a diet. I am always trying different things to lose the baby weight.
But Really I have been dieting off and on since I was sixteen. When I was eighteen I went to some pretty extreme measures to lose weight. At that point I was at my highest weight of 180 pounds and very unhappy. After a painful breakup I decided I was gonna stop eating and exercise as much as possible. In fact the only things I put into my body at that time were slim fast shakes, fruits, veggies, and a popular diet pill. And when I would slip up and eat something that wasn't on my diet plan I would make my self throw up. It worked I got down to 135 lbs in just a few months. But I was doing serious damage to my body. I started having chest pains and passed out once when I was at church for a meeting. I knew at that point I had taken things to far! I stopped taking the diet pill slowly... It was hard, I believe I was addicted to them. I relied on them way to much. When I was having a rough day and feeling fat I would take up to six a day and that was NOT the recommended dose. I would like to say that I was cured over night and that I stopped making my self throw up at that point but it's not true. I continued to struggle with that part until I was 20. I am still struggling with my body image today. After having two kids but have gone through 4 pregnancies, I don't feel as secure in my skin as I did at 135 lbs. But I know for sure I don't want to go back to that prison I was in when I was eighteen. I was edgy with everyone including those closest to me. I was in constant fear of being found out. I share this today because I know there are many out there that have struggled or are struggling with an eating disorder. And I want them to know they are not alone. And that you can overcome it.